Gosh! Where did 2024 go? Christmas has passed, and many of us have had a chance to catch up with family and friends.

Most of us will have enjoyed that time. But sometimes, not seeing our older loved ones for a while can raise concerns about increasing health issues and frailty.

For some of us, it can feel like “New Year: New Worries”.

A British bank created “The M-word” campaign a few years ago. It was apparently in response to research from Lloyds Bank that showed “money” is a bigger taboo in British families than politics, sex, or religion.

Well, I would add “Caring” for elderly loved ones to that list of “taboos.” My goal is to help families realise that these conversations are part of a healthy family relationship and planning for the future.

You are not alone.

Research by Which? in 2022 showed that 64% of people surveyed would find it difficult to talk to a loved one about moving into a care home.

These conversations are best started early, and based on my experience with the families I have supported, I recommend starting them by the time your parents are in their 60s.

Yes, we are living longer and healthier lives, but even so, accidents or incidents can happen that surprise us. As we age, we tend to accumulate more chronic health conditions, which can be much better managed nowadays. However, if one goes out of kilter, it can have serious knock-on effects.

So, when is the right time to start the conversation?

I was recently asked this question during a presentation to a group of people in their 40s and 50s, and it was an excellent question.

If your parents are already in their 70s or 80s and health and care have not been discussed, it can be not easy, especially if the reason for needing to have the conversation is that you have started to notice some of the below examples:

• They seem to be struggling with everyday tasks.
• You have noticed that they’re finding it increasingly difficult to get around.
• You have concerns over their ability to drive safely.
• You’re concerned that their memory might be failing.

It can be tempting to remain quiet to avoid upsetting your parents. Still, if you have serious concerns about their health, safety, or well-being, the sooner you talk about it, the more time you will have to implement support that works for them and the longer they should be able to stay independent in their homes.

Preparing to talk

If possible, plan this by considering what you want to say and choosing a calm, private, and comfortable place to say it, perhaps their own home, where they feel safe and comfortable.

If you have discussed this as several siblings and agree, it may be best for just one or two of you to broach the subject so that it does not feel like a delegation. Also, make it clear it is a two-way conversation, not an ultimatum.

A cup of tea, a smile and relaxed body language will help.

Timing is also essential. Does your loved one have a “best time of day”? Do you? i.e., not late in the evening or just before you must dash off! Make sure there is time for everyone to have their say.

Don’t expect instant decisions, but try to set a reasonable timeframe. You may have been planning what to say for a while, but your loved one may feel ambushed if you expect instant decisions. They need time to think; if there are two, discuss privately.

Bear in mind that to know what choices are possible, you may have to (at some point) discuss their finances, wills, and lasting powers of attorney.

Opening lines

This can be not easy if you feel you must steel yourself for the conversation. However, once you start, you may find they also feel like this and wonder how to start the conversation. If you approach it with their best interests at heart and listen as well as speak, you should be able to decide together how best to tackle your joint concerns. You could try:

• “I/we have noticed that…….”
• “I/we thought you seemed worried about……’
• “I/we wondered whether………”

Don’t try to deal with everything at once. This is just the start of what will hopefully be a more open and comfortable communication style.

If you would like any further advice or support, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me:

Telephone: 01164 300 230

Email: enquiries@sunrisecareadvisers.co.uk

Or Book a FREE 30-minute call by clicking HERE